


Big and Tall

by AnonEhouse



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Post Avengers (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-10
Updated: 2014-01-10
Packaged: 2017-11-25 00:51:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/633340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony takes the Hulk to the tailor. Everyone needs a decent tux!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

"I thought you were offering me a challenge, Tony," the elderly man in the sleek gray suit said as he let them into the shop, guiding them between aisles full of bolts of cloth and the occasional half mannequin wearing a jacket and tie until he reached a clear space before a group of mirrors. He put the measuring tape he'd been holding in his hand back around his neck. "I close the shop for a private fitting, and you bring me this very nice gentleman who I could make look like a _king_ with one hand tied behind my back." He looked up at Bruce, drawing himself up to his full five foot four of affronted elegance. "This is an insult!"

Bruce looked at Tony. "Erm, sorry?" he offered. 

Tony rolled his eyes."Don't get in a snit, Damon, although yes, I want you to make Bruce a suit, too. Shh, Bruce, you'll thank me later, when Betty shows up and you can squire her around town with a bit of style. Anyway, Bruce isn't the _big_ reason we've come to you. You've heard about the Avengers?"

Damon huffed an affirmative. "Very bad design. Except for the woman. _She_ has style. Just as well. I do not handle the ladies. You are going to bring me the Avengers, Tony?" Damon looked eager now. "Yes, yes, I would like to see what I could do with that blond fellow with all the hair... it's a pity to wrap him in all that metal, and the cape! For heaven's cake, no one wears capes."

Bruce coughed to hide his grin.

Tony said, "Thor's kinda attached to his armor, but I'll see. And I can probably get Captain America and Hawkeye into the shop. LATER, Damon." Tony pointed to Bruce. "This unassuming, easy-to-fit, gentleman has another side. He turns into the Hulk."

"The Hulk? That huge, oddly-proportioned, _green_ person?"

"Uh huh. The one and only," Tony said with a grin.

"TONY! I forgive you everything!" Damon pulled Tony down to kiss him on both cheeks. "Almost everything. I still recall what you did to that lovely maroon suit one New Year's." The tailor released Tony and looked at Bruce. "We'll go out back, to the private patio. I do not think the Hulk would be comfortable in my little shop, and one must be comfortable for a proper fitting. Follow me!" Damon took a set of keys from his pocket and led the way to an unmarked door at the rear of the shop.

Tony grabbed Bruce's arm and pulled him along.

"This is a bad idea, Tony. You _know_ this is a bad idea. The HULK at a charity gala? They'll have to hold another benefit to pay for the damages," Bruce said.

"Pfft. We'll load him up with swedish meatballs, let him have a little stroll in the gardens by the fountains if he gets a bit stressed and he'll be happy. If it makes you feel any better, I'll be bringing the suitcase armor."

"The Hulk isn't _safe_."

"La la la, not listening, don't care." Tony pushed Bruce ahead of him out onto a small patio enclosed by buildings on three sides, and a high wooden fence on the remaining side. It was large enough to hold the Hulk, yes, but not a lot more than that. Damon moved a few light-weight tables up against the fence, clearing the space. 

Tony and Damon looked at Bruce expectantly. Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose. "I think you're both crazy."

"C'mon, bulk up, Bruce," Tony said. "Damon, don't jab the Hulk with pins. Really. Do not." Damon scowled, and put a pinbox back in his pocket.

"Really. Crazy." Bruce took a deep breath and let the Hulk out.

"WHERE SMASH?" the Hulk growled. He tore off the remnant of his shirt, and kicked off the bits of his shoes, and stood in his tattered purple shorts that used to be long trousers, and looked around suspiciously.

"No, no smashing today," Tony replied. "Today we're going to get you fitted for a suit."

"SUIT?"

Damon stared at the Hulk in awe.

The Hulk grunted. "DON'T NEED SUIT."

"Of course you need a suit!" Damon broke out of his daze and came up to the Hulk to peer up into his face. "You want people to think well of you, you must look well!"

The Hulk looked at Tony, and then back at Damon. A line of confusion formed on his forehead. He poked Damon lightly in the chest with one finger."PUNY MAN NOT TELL HULK WHAT TO DO."

"I'm YOUR TAILOR!" Damon snapped back. "You do as I say and I will make you look amazing!"

"HULK ALREADY AMAZING."

Tony leaned up against a nearby wall and grinned. "You tell him, Hulk. But you're invited to a party, and it's a black tie event. You can't go dressed like that. Emily Post would be horrified."

The Hulk's confusion wrinkle had babies. "HULK INVITED? PEOPLE WANT HULK?"

"Yes!" Tony fished in his pocket and came out with a gold embossed invitation made out to the Hulk. "Look! Free food, admiring women, music, dancing... it'll be great! But you have to dress properly."

The Hulk took the square of heavy card, which seemed to shrink in his hands. "SHINY. PRETTY PEOPLE WANT HULK?" 

"Yes! They want to meet the people who saved New York City. They want to see their heroes," Tony said.

"HULK HERO?"

Damon took advantage of the Hulk's distraction to start taking measurements around his leg. The Hulk looked down at him when Damon measured his inseam. "HULK NOT WANT BOYFRIEND."

Damon sniffed. "I have a boyfriend, already, thank you. Now stand still. Tony, get the step ladder. The tall one. There."

Tony hastened to obey. Damon was muttering under his breath. "And then go in and bring back the fabric sample books. ALL of them." After Tony disappeared back in the shop, the Hulk looked down at Damon again.

"HULK WANT TO DANCE WITH GIRL. NOT PUNY GIRL." He poked at Damon again with one finger. "NOT PUNY GIRLS AT DANCE?"

"Hmm?" Damon wrapped the tape measure around the Hulk's wrist. "Oh, well, some of my clients belong to the Tall Club of NYC. You can look them up..." He glanced at the Hulk's huge fingers, obviously not suited to manipulate phone book pages or computer keyboards. "Have someone look up the club. You definitely should join."

Tony returned with a load of sample books. "What are you joining now, big fella? You're already an Avenger."

"TALL CLUB OF NYC. FIND NOT PUNY GIRL TO DANCE WITH."

"Huh," Tony said. "Good idea." He dropped the sample books to the flag-stoned ground and pulled out his StarkPad. "I love New York, you can find anything and anyone here."

Damon flipped open the books and began draping lengths of cloth over the Hulk's outstretched arm. "I think white. Not a cold white, but a creamy, warm, eggshell..."

"HULK NOT WANT LOOK LIKE ICE CREAM MAN."

Damon swatted at the Hulk with the end of his tape measure. "Don't move."

The Hulk grumbled, but stood still as Damon climbed the stepladder. Tony pulled up the photo gallery on the Tall Club. Damon happily took measurements.

"What style undergarments do you prefer?" Damon asked. "Boxers, briefs?"

"HULK NO WEAR UNDERTHINGS."

"A gentleman always wears undergarments!" Damon looked at Tony who had raised a finger for attention. "You're no gentleman."

"Point," Tony admitted, and returned to gazing at the gallery.

"HULK WANT NO SQUASH."

"Boxers, then." Damon made a note.

The Hulk patted Damon on the head. "HULK'S BOYS LIKE ROOM."

Tony giggled.


	2. Gala We Dance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Note: When you get to the first use of the word, click 'rhumbaed' and imagine Hulk in the place of the man in the video. And LOTS of women in the place of the woman).

Hulk got out of the convertible stretch limo and looked uncertainly at the paparazzi lining the roped off red carpet leading to the ballroom and then turned back to lean loomingly over the remaining occupants of the vehicle. He asked Tony, "MY TIE STRAIGHT?"

"Yeah, it's fine." Tony grinned and patted at Hulk's chest, clothed in the palest peach silk. His tuxedo was a faintly dusty maroon, his shoes were glossy black, subtly elastic-sided, loafers (the dress shoes had 'pinched' and died a horrible death- Damon had frowned.) and his bow tie and cummerbund were peach with rather large white pin dots- on anyone else, they'd be polka dots. "You look great, go knock 'em dead."

"Not literally, Hulk," Steve said. Damon had made a not quite midnight blue tuxedo for him, and refused to let Tony's remarks about stars and stripes influence him. Steve looked fine. Really. As Tony had told him several times when they were leaving the Tower. Not at ALL like a dancing monkey.

Hulk huffed. "HULK KNOWS." He straightened and turned back to the carpet. He showed his teeth in a smile. They were perfectly polished. "HULK HERE. PARTY CAN START." He strode up the carpet, pausing to look at a tall female reporter. "YOU LOOK GOOD, TOO. NOT AS GOOD AS HULK, BUT GOOD." He threw his shoulders back and strutted into the newly raised doorway to the ballroom.

"Oh, my god, I've created a monster," Tony said, laughing. He put on his sunglasses and bounced out of the limo. His suit was made of a silver-gray that shifted tones from pink to blue to green. Damon had chided Tony on his peacockery, but that hadn't stopped him from delicately rolling the lapels and tapering the trousers to disguise Tony's lifts.

Steve sighed and offered his arm to Natasha like a gentleman. Natasha smiled sweetly at him as they went down the corridor together, her muted plum gown going very well with his outfit. She whispered without moving her lips, "This should be fun."

Clint and Thor exited the limo last. Damon had exclaimed in joy over the challenge of their biceps and produced a miracle of double-vented tuxedo sleeves for them. Clint had insisted on standard black and white, while Thor had been quite agreeable to perusing Damon's entire stock of fabric before settling on something that looked like woven gold. It wasn't meant for a tuxedo, which had thrilled Damon down to the core of his trend-setter heart. Thor had even let Damon devise a loop in the black satin cummerbund to hold Mjolnir, festively wrapped in gold ribbons around its leather.

Thor grinned broadly. "Let us feast and be merry, friends!" He waved at the paparazzi. 

"Don't encourage them, Thor," Clint said.

***

"Where did Hulk learn to dance?" Clint asked. He was leaning up against the bar with Tony and Steve while Hulk [ rhumbaed](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGpvc5QSSXs). What looked like the entire female contingent of the Tall Club of NYC was dancing with him. Natasha was sitting on his shoulder, somehow managing to stay with him throughout all the dips and spins.

"I have...no idea," Tony said. "I offered to teach him." He tilted his sunglasses and looked at Steve. "I offered to teach you, too."

Steve shrugged and drank his Zombie. "I had this at the World's Fair," he said reminiscently, swirling the glass a little slower than Hulk was spinning the women clinging to his arms.

Thor had his own coterie of dancing partners. He wasn't rhumbaing, but no one seemed to mind.

"Oh," Tony sipped his scotch. "Brings back old times?"

"Yeah. I was sick as a dog." Steve drained his Zombie and put the glass down on a napkin. He leaned his elbows back against the bar. "The future's not half bad," he admitted. He pushed away from the bar and walked onto the dance floor. "Mind if I cut in?" he asked in a general sort of way.

"HULK NOT GREEDY." Hulk twirled the girl on the outermost edge of his swarm into Steve's arms. 

She looked down at Steve and smiled. "You like big girls?"

"Always have," Steve said, and he began rhumbaing, gliding like his hips and spine were made of flexible steel.

Tony nearly choked on an ice cube. Clint helpfully whacked him on the back. "This is a pretty good party, after all," Clint said cheerfully. "It can't get much better than this."

"Oh, yeah? Challenge accepted." Tony made his way over to the DJ stand.

"Oh, no," Clint said very softly. "Don't do that, Tony." Then he grabbed a plate full of Swedish meatballs to eat while he waited to see what Tony had in mind. 

The rhumba music died away. The dancers slowed to a stop and looked annoyed. Tony waved his arms imperiously. The DJ shrugged. Whodini's 'The freaks come out at night' blasted out. Tony yelled at Hulk, "Get your freak on, b-boy!"

Hulk looked puzzled for an instant. And then began breakin'. His tuxedo didn't survive hitting the floor. The floor didn't survive, either.

Hulk looked at the hole in the ballroom floor, and then he looked at Tony. "HOW HULK DANCE WITH GIRLS NOW?" He growled and his eyes were very green. "GIRLS NOT LIKE BUMPY FLOOR. HARD ON NICE SHOES."

"Thor will dance with you!" Thor cried out cheerily. He grabbed Hulk's arm.

Hulk punched Thor. Thor flew across the room, smashing into a chandelier along the way. He got up and felt his jaw, and then grinned. Steve stood in between them. "NO! Take it outside!" He pointed to the wide open doors leading to a meticulously tended garden.

"YES!" Thor swung Mjolnir, gold ribbons flapping, and flew out of the doors. Hulk followed, grumbling. All their dance partners ran out to claim good viewing spots.

Steve gave Tony a dirty look, but his dance partner grabbed his arm and tugged him along after them. Clint and Natasha strolled out, making bets.

Tony went back to the bar and leaned against it, laughing. "Best gala ever." He poured himself a scotch before he went out to watch Thor and Hulk break. Dancing would probably be in there somewhere, but definitely there would be breaking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those loyal readers who voted on my fabric design on the Spoonflower contest: Thanks. :^)
> 
> I came in 14th place. I would have needed 50 more votes just to make #10, so really, not remotely close to winning. But a good try. 
> 
> (And yes, if I HAD won I would have tried to figure out a special thanks for you guys- maybe set up a poll for you to choose which fic idea I should work on next.) But I didn't win, so you're just gonna have to wait and see what I come up with. :^)

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt [ teamfic, gen or shipping, hulk being cute I guess; black tie not optional ](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/13316.html?thread=30861060#t30861060)
> 
> The cleanup after the Battle of NYC is nearly finished and major sponsors of the restoration effort are throwing a charity gala in honor of the Avengers. Bruce's identity is still a secret, and he desperately wants to keep it that way. Tony says they can't show up with only five Avengers and laughingly suggests that they actually take Hulk along. The big guy's been pretty helpful with cleanup and search-and-rescue, and he's actually proven to be a pretty okay dude when he's not being shot at. Besides, Tony's kind of been wanting to get Hulk (and Bruce, really) into something other than a pair of threadbare trousers for a while now.
> 
> Hulk thinks the whole thing is incredibly stupid. 
> 
> But he goes anyway, 'cause he likes to make his family happy.


End file.
